Cam I Am

I came across this yesterday.  Please note the vise grips holding the dish in place!

Very professional!

I was at a call this morning when I had to go to this person’s garage to hook them up. Under the cable box, this us what I found… I also found some ribs and a very bloody butcher table.

Last week, I was a dumbass and locked my keys in my van when I stopped for a quick bite to eat for lunch.

After calling a tow truck to open up my van, I waited by the vehicle. Right behind me was this guy panhandling. At first, he was quiet, but then he started to talk to me.. Here was his opening statement..

“I wish I had a parrot. That way I could train it to ask for spare change for me. Yup! I definately need a parrot. I think they live for a long time though. And I think they are expensive. And if I need to take him to the vet, that would be hundreds of dollars.. Hmmm… Maybe a parrot isn’t a good idea. What do you think?”

Well, I agreed with him that it probably would be expensive. I’m staring through my passenger window, eying my keys, considering breaking my own window to get away from this guys verbal diarhrea. Because it didn’t stop there.. And I was now running late for work

Eventually, the tow truck showed up and I was on my way. Before I left, I wished the panhandler good luck with his parrot idea. While he had some crazy ideas, he did seem nice enough…

Over the last few weeks, I’ve been collecting a small list of mis-spoken blunders..

While shopping in Zellers, my 3-year old doesn’t seem to be able to say “elevator”.  I said that she could push the button in the elevator and she said “the alligator?”  After I was done laughing, I tried to explain the difference between alligator and elevator — one you want to be in, the other you don’t!

At a customer’s home, a teenage son notices that his mother’s coat seems to be leaking feathers out of it.  He said, “Mom, I think your coat is mulching!”   I can only assume that he meant moulting!

One of my co-workers had a situation that the customer insisted that they wanted a cable outlet installed in their chicken.  It didn’t take long for him to figure out that they meant kitchen!

And finally, I’ll post this one again…

While I was in an elevator, a customer asked me if I was a cable insulter..   Close!  Installer!

Have a great day! 

I’ve told this story to a few people and thought that I’d share it here..

Back in August, I was working in Abbotsford.  While I don’t remember every call I go to, this is one I’ll never forget.

At this call, I was installing digital phone for a lady that lives in a trailer/mobile home.  After I explained what I needed to do to install it, I went outside to find our connection point for cable (CSE) and telephone demarcation point. 

What luck!  Our CSE was on the front of the trailer!  Usually they are underneath the skirt of the trailer!  I follow the telephone drop and discover that it goes underneath the trailer. 

*SIGH* 

I’m a pretty big guy, so crawling around under a trailer isn’t exactly fun, but it’s part of the job.  I look around for the access panel to get under and discover I can’t find it.  In the customer’s carport, there was a lot of.. well..  crap really.  She mentions something about her daughter recently moving in with her and blah, blah, blah..  

Eventually, we find it.  I pop the panel open and peer in through the opening.  There is a lot of insulation hanging down, but about six feet in, I can see the demarc.  As I get ready to crawl under, I see something on the ground just inside and to the right. 

“What that hell is that!?”, I exclaim.  A slightly closer look and I realize..

It’s the skeleton of some animal!  No flesh or fur, just this skeleton of some animal!  I’m not talking about a mouse or rat, but something much larger.  I say to the customer, “What is that?  It doesn’t look like it’s a cat..  maybe a racoon?”

She replies, “It might be a possum!  We have lots of those around!”  I looked a little closer at it and then noticed something. 

“It has no legs!?  And how would it get under there?”

The customer’s answer is what I found amusing!  She said, “There’s a big hole in the back under the trailer.  You know, come to think of it, I remember a few months ago hearing a big fight under there.   And for the longest time, there were tons of flies out front here for a while too!”

I close the panel and tell her that I had no plans for going under there.  Fortunately, the customer understood why (mainly because I don’t know what’s still under there and alive!)  Then she asked me who she would call to remove and dispose of the legless possum remains.

I smiled and said, “I don’t know..  but certainly not the cable guy!”

I had one of the most creative/bizzare reasons for a customer canceling his order today..

On the work order, the call seemed pretty routine.  Install digital phone for a customer in Vancouver’s downtown eastside.  I get to the building, the manager lets me in and then askes me which suite I was going to.  I tell him which one was getting phone service and he asks me what name was on the work order.  I tell him the woman’s name I had, and he looked at me and said, “That doesn’t sound right at all!  But I do know who that is!”

The manager and I went up to the customers suite, and knock on the door.  Once the customer answered, the manager informed him that I was there to hook up phone.  The customers reply was:

“Oh no.  I didn’t want the service right now.  Please cancel it! One of the hookers that I had over must have ordered it!” 

Dumbfounded, I replied that I’d cancel the order for him and walked out, shaking my head in disbelief.  I’ve never had that as a reason to cancel an order before..

Only on the downtown eastside.. 

After several years of going to this building, I’ve finally decided to take a picture of something that has always confused me about the parking situation. As you will see below, I parked in what is clearly marked as “Visitors Parking”. The confusing part is the sign that is posted there.

Umm.. what?   No Parking In This Area?   How can this be called Visitors Parking if I can’t park there? 

For the last three summers, I’ve had an issue..

With seagulls..

I’m sure that you are wondering what the hell my problem is with seagulls, but I freely admit that I now have a fear of seagulls..

Why?

For those of you who don’t know, many buildings in downtown Vancouver have cable service boxes on the roof.  It’s a great place for them!  No one ever goes up there, they are usually easy to find and access and can save time, instead of searching floor after floor for a service box.  The problem is that because no one ever goes up on the roof, seagulls like to build nests on the roof and have their eggs/young up there..

Picture this..

I’m going up to the roof of a building.  I get there and there is a nest, somewhere up there.  As soon as I step out on the roof, those $!#@% birds go nuts!  They go into attack mode!  They will do anything to defend their babies..

And it gets worse. 

They call out to the seagulls perched on top of other buildings!  They all come!  They swoop, swarm and dive.  They get into your face (literally, as one tech found out)…   They are vicious creatures! 

So..  I’ve come up with two plans to do my work..

Plan A - I get the customer to come on the roof with a broom.  Usually, when I tell them this, they roll their eyes and think that I’m a moron.  By the time they get up there and see what I’m talking about, they are much my understanding about why I can’t safely open the service box, find their line, close the box, and fight off seagulls..  (one time, I had nine gulls diving on me and a customer on a roof).

Plan B – Work in Abbotsford.. 

I get mocked at work..  But I believe that more and more techs are finding the same problems.  It seems that in the last few years, they are getting much more defensive about us being up there.  The good news is that while seagulls typically nest from April to October, they seem to be in attack mode from late June to mid-September..

Fucking birds…

This past week proved to be a frustrating one at work.. 

On Monday, I had a call to install digital phone service for a customer.  Ordinarily, this is relatively easy to do for most customers, but this was no ordinary case.

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Well, I thought that I’d post a few “Cable Guy Stories”…  I posted one quite some time ago about a customer who didn’t get my job title quite right!  

I’ve told a number of people this story, but one of my brothers, Andrew, has requested that I post it on my blog.

This happened back in early April..  I was working in Abbotsford at the time, installing digital phone service for customers..

I pulled up in front of this house, walked up to the front door, and rang the bell.  After about a minute, this guy answers the door.  Here’s how the converstion went..

__________________________

Me: “Hi, I’m here from Shaw Cable to install your digital phone”

Customer: “Okay….”

At this point, the average person would invite you in..  Not so much in this case..

Me: (After several silent seconds) “Okay, well I have to install this device in your house”  (I now show him the digital phone terminal)

Customer: ”Okay…”

Me: “Would I be able to have a look around inside?”

Customer: (several seconds of a blank stare) “Sure..  But that thing has to go in the house?  Are you sure that it can’t go outside?”

Me: (getting a little sarcastic here!) “I’m sure..  it would be fine until the first time that it rains, then it would short out!  I need to install it in the house near an electrical outlet, cable outlet, and a phone jack”.

Customer: (a long blank stare) “Um..  we have a problem..”

At this point the customer turns around, and goes into the house and up the stairs..  I don’t know why this guy is looking stunned at everything I say, but I follow him up into the house… 

Customer: (we are now in his kitchen) “Well, here’s the phone jack… (a long pause follows), and the cable is in the living room.”

There is another period of silence..  I’m still waiting to hear what the “problem” is, and aside from the very 70’s decor in the house, I’m failing to see a problem.  At this point, I restate that I need all three requirements together, but tell him as long as I can have it near an electrical outlet, I can install phone and cable.  He stares again, as if I’m a martian or something, and then says that he should call his wife..  He calls her and it seems that the conversation went about as strange as the one that I had with him.  In the end, his wife tells him to have it installed in the basement, in a storage room.  He takes me downstairs and opens the door to a room that is completely dark and is full of boxes and other things.  With the door open, he just stares at me.

Me: “Is there a light in there?”

Customer: “Um, no…  we use this.” 

With this, he turns on some light within the room..  I’m beginning to wonder what this guy is on..

Me:  “Okay..  is there cable and power in here?”

Customer: “No..  is that going to be a problem?”

Me:  “Well, in order for this to work yes..  I can install it in here, but I’d need to have all of these boxes moved so that I could run the lines to where I need to”

Customer:  “Well..  I’ll have to reschedule again.”

Me: “Okay..  for next week?  What works for you?”

Customer: “In May” (keep in mind this happened in early April)

Me: (getting frustrated with this guy!) “Okay, I’ll have the order cancelled and you can call in to re-order once you are ready.”

This is where it gets interesting!

Customer: (leading me to the front door) “Okay..  You’ll have to excuse me but I’m recovering from…. (long pause)..  exercise..  I’m not a professional or anything, but I’m recovering from….exercise..”

I’m thinking, WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN?  Recovering from exercise? And your not a professional?  AT WHAT?  Exercise?  Is that why you seem to have the ability to react as fast as a snail on a skating rink?

With that, I left..  Believe it or not, I’ve shortened the story to spare you all..  In total, I spent 20 minutes with this guy…  It was a very long 20 minutes at that..